RID2: The Idiotic Space Pirates
by Master Fwiffo
Summary: RID2 Episode 12: Doh!


  
**Episode 12  
The Idiotic Space Pirates  
-or-  
The Great And Mighty All Powerful El Supremo Lord of the Skies, Kazz M!  
-or-  
The Speech That Never Ends  
-or-  
Stupidity at its Best  
-or-  
Make that its Worst  
-or-  
The Fic With a Thousand Titles  
-or-  
Ok, only seven, but that's still too many  
  
** It's not every day that you see a Space Pirate Ship. The vessels are inherently ugly, yet at the same time still remain cool. The circular framework is topped with a beautiful energy sail, and supplements by large engines, and, usually, big guns. At the head is a point, at which is attached some symbol or another. This particular one had a still living Sharkticon attached, who was not too happy about its current position. The symbols on the hull of the ships vary from ship to ship. This one only held a simple Autobot Symbol, with a massive red X over it. In tiny blue letters, the words Dragons Pride were emblazoned on the hull.  
Aboard the ships tiny bridge, there sat a captain. Of course, he wouldn't officially be a pirate without the trademark hat and eye patch but that's ok, because he wasn't an ordinary pirate.  
He was a spindly form that sat upon a glowing column. Instead of arms, he had six tentacles that stretched out from his sockets. And his face was even uglier.  
Next to him sat his two advisors, the five-face and the dinky head. Both, though members of the same race, and even the same family, hated the other one. Five face had no arms, but five faces, and a bunch of tentacles stretched from the body. Dinky head only had one aged face, but also had more tentacles.  
They were a rather intimidating group. And their current target was none other than the planet Earth.  
  
Koji could have recognized the bright blue Viper anywhere. He didn't need to see a certain red sports car to guess. And then there was the fact that Kelly sat still and alone in her car, giving up to the fact that she could never outrun the obsessive Autobot. They were in a large lot next to a heavily wooded park, and Side Burn was having the time of his life. Kelly was too- the worst time of her life.  
So baby, how bout a date tonight? Side Burns voice rang clearly.  
Shut up. Kelly moaned.  
Koji shook his head, deciding for the moment, it would be best to leave them alone.  
Hi Koji! A sad sounding voice called from the trees. Koji hurried over and saw Recoil sitting cross legged between the trees and looking rather depressed.  
Heya Recoil, what's up? Koji sat down next to her.  
Recoil sulked. I haven't been able to get him to take me on a date yet.  
Koji chuckled. He really does have a thing for that sports car.  
Recoil muttered. I wish he'd realize he's hitting on an inanimate object...  
Koji paused, staring toward the sky with wide eyes.  
Recoil noticed. What's wrong Koji? She asked.  
What is that? Koji gasped.  
Recoil looked up. Yeah... what IS that?  
  
T-Ais voice cried. Optimus and Elita whirled.   
What's going on? Optimus demanded.  
This giant... THING just landed in central square! She cried.  
Immediately T-Ais many cameras came to life focusing on the intruding vessel.  
A pirate ship... Optimus muttered quietly.  
Its got a big Autobot symbol with an X over it. Elita observed.  
Optimus answered. T-Ai, get the car brothers and team Sentinel to meet us in the square.  
Do you have any idea who it is? Elita asked as they both transformed and rolled out.  
An inkling, perhaps. Optimus said, surprisingly lightheartedly.  
  
Recoil, Koji, and (unwillingly) Side Burn arrived at the square first. A small crowd of people had gathered to stare at it. It was a lazy Saturday afternoon, so not many people were about.  
The ship was sitting there, looking somewhat... dead. In other words, nothing was moving.  
Side Burn cried.   
A pirate ship.... Recoil muttered.  
OK, move aside people! Prowl cried, he and Red Alert zooming around the street, sirens blazing. This is official Autobot business, move aside! Nothing to see, nothing to see! Prowl began to clear the crowd away.  
Red Alert transformed, and gaped. Woah! I'd heard about these things, but I'd never thought I'd actually see one.  
X-Brawn, Chromia and Aidia arrived next, followed closely by Optimus Prime and Elita-1.  
Not bad... X-Brawn muttered.  
Optimus stepped forward.  
What is it Optimus? Koji asked.  
A space pirate ship. In earlier days many pirates, Quintison, Predicon, and others traveled the space ways, hijacking starships and stealing supplies. But I'd thought we'd got them all...  
OF COURSE YOU DIDN'T! A voice boomed from the ship It was followed almost immediately by You idiot! We're not supposed to speak yet!  
Oh, sorry.  
Umm, you didn't hear that.  
Optimus looked almost amused. Well, if it isn't...  
A door suddenly opened up on the side of the ship. A ramp extended toward the ground. From inside a bright light glowed, until a figure stood in its path. A thin, spindly, dark, imposing figure.  
OPTIMUS PRIME! The voice boomed. Too long have you dodged my revenge!  
Optimus crossed his arms and leaned back casually. This should be good.  
Years ago you defeated me!  
What's he talking about?' Elita demanded.  
Just listen. Optimus seemed to smile. If I know him, he'll go on for quite a while.  
The robot on the stand ignored him and a great spotlight came down from nowhere as the rest of the scene faded to black. The robot intruder stared down at the ground and began his well rehearsed speech.  
Rejected and alone because of my defeat, *Background, sad violin music begins to play* Mocked and tormented by ones I once called friends, I swore my revenge! *Violin music replaced by what I'd like to call pose music, followed by a dynamic pose* Now, at this time, on this small planet, I shall get it! *pose again* Optimus Prime! *tentacle points* Now you shall meet your doom! AT my hands!! The Scourge of the Galaxy! The greatest pirates ever to hit the space ways! Me! KAZZ- M! *Striking pose*  
Optimus clapped his hands heartily. Bravo! Give a second performance!  
*Kazz-M face faults*  
HOW DARE YOU MOCK MY DIALOG! Kazz-M came up, his thin face burning with rage. I shall rip open your servos!  
I see your speeches haven't changed a bit.   
*Face fault*  
Umm, Kazz? A second, five headed robot-being appeared behind him. I hate to tell you this, but that was completely ridiculous.  
Shut up Arc.  
A third robot, with a really ugly and aged face appeared behind him. For once I agree with his sorry rear plate. The second one said. That was pointless!  
Shut up Ray.  
Well?' Optimus crossed his arms. Are you going to attack, or what?  
OF COURSE I WILL! Kazz-M yelled. *pose* I've had enough of your silly talk!  
Optimus answered skeptically.  
I shall destroy you for that! Kazz-M continued. I shall rip apart your internal workings, and then burn what's left of them!  
  
And then I shall DANCE ON THEIR ASHES! Like THIS! Kazz-M demonstrated a completely ridiculous dance which, for the sake of your sanity, I will not describe here.  
Quite an accomplishment for a guy with no legs. Optimus applauded.  
*Kazz-M Face faults off the ramp onto the ground*  
SO, you gonna fight or what? Optimus repeated.  
Kazz-M hissed. I won't fight. THEY WILL!  
From the belly of the ship a door opened, and out of it trooped approximately a billion fat shark-like robots.  
Except they were only four feet tall. Now, to you and me, that may not sound small, but to a Transformer, they were about the size of house cats.  
Kazz-M stared stared in shock. He cried, whirling on Arc and Ray. I said four METERS! METERS!!!!!! What part of METERS did you NOT understand???  
Uhh, we only work with the English system. Arc said defiantly. If you wanted to convert to metrics, you should have told us.  
Come to mention it, I did wonder how the heck you fit so many of them in the hold... Kazz-M muttered. Oh well, Sharkticons, DESTROY THEM! The Sharkticons charged, but quickly found themselves outmatched.  
You're kidding me! Side Burn laughed, easily sending one flying with a kick. Even Galvatrons schemes were better then this! He chuckled, stepping on another one.  
I think they're cute. Recoil said, picking one unwilling Sharkticon up and cuddling it. Hey Elita, can I keep it?  
Only if you feed it and take care of it. Elita instructed, pushing another one away with her foot.  
*Kazz-M is bright red and has smoke blowing out his ears*  
Kazz-M cried. Transform and DESTROY THEM!  
The Sharkticons transformed...   
Into fat little robots.  
As one, all four of the smaller femmes got hearts in their eyes. They cried. How CUTE!  
It's just not fair... Kazz-M cried, rivers streaming down his face. Why me? WHY???  
Are you ready to give up yet? Optimus asked. Your silly little scheme failed.  
I've only begun! Kazz-M whirled, one of his six tentacle whipping out to hit a button on the ships side. From seemingly nowhere, two guns pulled out and opened fire. Optimus grabbed Elita and pulled her out of the way.  
My Sharkticons may have failed! Kazz-M cried, But you'll never defeat THIS!  
A second blast tore from the cannons, sending the Autobots running for their lives.  
Unfortunately, the blast obliterated half the sharkticons as well.  
My sharkticons... Arc cried, with all five of his faces suffering the infamous Tear river syndromes.  
Kazz-M didn't care, he was having too much fun.  
Run for your life Optimus! He shouted with glee. Run run run!  
How bout not! Optimus's energy prongs on his back came alight, and twin jets of flame shot from them, ripping through one of the two cannons.  
Kazz-M cried. How'd you do that???  
Like this! Optimus demonstrated on his other large cannon.  
The cannon was ripped from the ship, and fell onto Kazz-Ms head with an audible SPLAT. Kazz-M pushed it off him, glaring at Prime. Well, you may have stopped that, but try this! He roared.  
Optimus was thrown backwards as a sudden blast emitted in all directions around the ship, throwing the Autobots around easily.  
Koji was spared only by Aidias quick thinking and transformation. Koji cried too as he was tossed around inside the now airborne ambulance.  
And again! Kazz-M cried with glee, a second blast smashed through the Autobots. How do you like my Ray Pulse, eh???  
Hey! That's my weapon! Ray cried, but Kazz-M ignored him.  
A third blast tore through the Autobots. Autobots, pull back! Optimus cried. We can't fight as long as he's doing that!  
Oh look, running away? Kazz-M taunted as the Autobots transformed and rolled out. LOOK WHO WON! I BEAT YOU OPTIMUS! I BEAT YOU!!!!!!!  
Calm down before you overheat. Arc said in annoyance.  
Shut up and let me give my victory speech. Kazz-M whipped out a 75 foot sheet of paper. Again, everything went dark except a spotlight on the pirate.  
Kazz-M cleared his throat  
Here we go. Arc sighed.  
I betting three hours, minimum. Ray leaned back, his tentacles going behind his head.  
I, Kazz-M, have won a great victory! No longer will Optimus Prime be greater than me! Because I won! I'm better! Great spectacular fabulous....  
  
By Primus! Slapper groaned. This guy makes Sky-Bytes poetry sound INTERESTING!  
Tell me about it. Gas Skunk growled. How'd an idiot like that get a hold of such a cool ship?  
Beats me. Darkscream answered.  
WHAT ARE YOU THREE DOING??? Both Barrage and Sky-Byte roared, appearing from seemingly nowhere.  
Watching the space pirates. Gas Skunk answered truthfully.  
The who? Barrage asked. Both he and Sky-Byte gazed at the screen where Kazz-M was continuing his speech.  
We won because the Bad shall triumph! Bad triumphs because it is powerful! Good fails because it is weak! We were powerful, and they were weak! And that's why we won! Because Bad beats good! My badness triumphed over their goodness! Bad bad bad good bad good good bad good bad good bad, good, BAD! And thus, with my new found status as defeater of Optimus Prime, I shall...  
This guy seriously needs a new speech writer. Slapper sighed.  
Wait, this guy beat Prime? Sky-Byte asked.   
Actually., HE didn't. His cool looking ship did.  
Barrage questioned.   
You see, it emits this cool energy blast and-  
Barrage smiled.  
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Both Barrage and Sky-Byte asked each other at the same time.  
Of course! They both answered as one.  
What are you thinking? Galvatron asked, appearing from nowhere.  
LORD GALVATRON! Sky-Byte and Barrage shouted with glee. We have excellent news on how to defeat the Autobots!  
I'm listening Sky-Byte. This had better be good!  
It will be!  
  
Who the slagging heck was that guy?' Side Burn demanded.  
Old friend. Optimus chuckled, despite their present situation. Like I said, Pirates used to be common place. Magnus and I beat him, hard. I do believe it holds the record for shortest confrontation with a Quintison. Thought I saw the last of him afterwards.  
Guess not. Elita muttered.  
I'd never thought he'd get his hands on something that powerful though. Optimus muttered, turning serious again. He won't do much with it, he's not the mass destruction type. I'm more worried about Galvatron or Cryotek getting hold of it.  
I don't think they'd be able to get close. Koji snorted from Aidias passenger seat. That guy may be an idiot, but that's one heckuva weapon.  
But he makes cute Sharkticons! Recoil called, still holding an unwilling one in her cockpit.  
Well, what's the plan Optimus? X-Brawn demanded. How are we gonna stop this guy?  
I'm not sure yet. Optimus shrugged. But knowing Kazz-M, I'd say we have plenty of time to come up with a plan.  
Why's that?  
His speech will take at least 7 hours.  
  
...I had a dream! A dream of victory, of acceptance, of triumph! And now, that dream is at hand!....  
  
Three hours, twenty minutes.  
His speech was HOW many typed pages?  
Five hundred and forty two, font: Times, size: nine.  
Good grief.  
....And another thing, I am not a crook! No matter what they say! I may be low, dirty and diabolical, but I'm NOT a crook!....  
  
  
That's it? That's your plan? Scourge asked in disbelief.  
Why? What's wrong with it? Sky-Byte asked.  
Duh... Its stupid.   
No its not!  
Yes, it is!  
Galvatron sighed. The two had been at it for almost half an hour. Fortunately, Kazz-M was only half way done with his speech. If that.  
SHUT UP! Galvatron finally roared. Scourge and Sky-Byte stopped, and stared up at Galvatron.  
We'll follow Sky-Bytes plan, unless you have a better one Scourge.  
Well, I don't... But hammers and axle grease?  
Its better than my first idea. Sky-Byte sulked.  
You mean the one with the net, the Baloney sandwich, the old car, the meat grinder, and the cup holder?  
(Authors note: Don't ask me how that was supposed to work. I don't know)  
Shut up.  
Galvatron groaned. Why me?  
Scourge shrugged. I say I just take my Decepticons and charge in with cannons blazing.  
Sky-Byte frowned. Gee, that idea never occurred to me.  
Galvatron stared at Sky-Byte, his optics wide. Then with a heavy sigh, he waved his hand. Scourge, take the Decepticon, and Sky-Byte, take the Aquacons. Just bring me back the ship.  
Yes sir!  
  
Any ideas team? Optimus asked.  
I have an idea. Koji, ever the vigilant genius, spoke up.  
What is it Koji? Optimus asked.  
Why don't we hit him from below? Koji suggested. If we can surprise them and cut them off from the ship, we've got it made.  
And how do you propose we do that? Aidia asked.  
With the build team, of course!  
Not a bad idea. Optimus nodded. I'll see what I can do.  
  
...Forty score and seventy years ago, Optimus defeated me on that desolate world. But now, because of my vigilance and persistence, I have TRIUMPHED! Victory! Grand Sweet Victory!...  
You know, I coulda sworn he said those exact words two hours ago.  
He probably did. You know how repetitive he is.  
How long now?  
Six hours, thirty-three minutes.  
  
... Give me Victory or Give me Death! That was my motto! And it PAID OFF!...  
  
Wedge nodded. I got it Prime.  
Can you guys handle it?  
Of course! Wedge smiled. We're the build team! *pose*  
Very well. Hurry.  
Got it Prime.  
  
...And with Victory comes status, pride, and.. uhh, Victory!...  
He ran out of speech...  
And he's still going...   
Ray and Arc almost began to cry.  
...Victory! Prime is defeated, yet I still rise above! And-  
I would suggest cutting down your speech time.   
WHO DARES INTERRUPT MY VICTORY SPEECH? Kazz-M whirled to see a black truck charging straight forward at him, followed by several sea creatures, and several armored vehicles.  
Who are you? He demanded.  
Scourge, TRANSFORM! Scourges weapon was in his hand in seconds, and firing.  
Kazz-M ducked, as Scourge shot hit something, which caused a large chunk of metal to fall from the ship and land on Kazz-Ms head.  
Kazz-M crawled out from under it. Ray! Fire your weapon!  
Ray responded immediately, and the Ray Pulse fired again, knocking Decepticon and Predicon alike off their feet.  
Slapper wasn't kidding when he said that thing was powerful. Sky-Byte groaned. Maybe this will stop it. Aquacons, MERGE!  
Scourge glared at Sky-Byte. Black Depth can't stop it alone. Decepticons, Combine!  
Two massive being suddenly arose on the battlefield: Black Depth and Ruination.  
Arc cried, pulling backwards. Look at he size of them!  
It doesn't matter! Kazz-M cried. Fire away!  
Ruination and Black Depth braced themselves, and met the Ray Pulse head on. They both remained standing.  
The three pirates eyes went wide. Arc pulled backwards.  
I would suggest a tactical retreat... Ray trailed off.  
They didn't need to. Black Depth and Ruination cried out as the ground suddenly collapsed under them. A small orange robot leapt out of the hole.   
Got them! He shouted.  
Kazz-M stared.   
Umm Wedge? Heavy Load poked his head up. We didn't get the pirates...  
Huh?' Wedge looked at his comrade. Then who DID we get?  
He turned around to see two very angry gestalts leap out him.  
  
Kazz-M looked at the insulting melee. Well, I would say this is a good time to leave, eh?  
Right! Right! Ray and Arc nodded vigorously.  
Umm, well then, my goodbye speech is as-  
Arc and Ray grabbed him and hauled him inside the ship; he was still trying to yell his speech at the three battling gestalts.  
I may be leaving for now, but mark my words I'll be-  
*SLAM*  
The door closed and the ship took off.  
Landfill, Ruination and Black Depth all paused and watched it go. Landfill cried.  
Our ship! Ruination and Black Depth both yelled. They were answered by a barrage of fire from the ships aft lasers. Ruination and Black Depth fell apart, and Landfill ran for it.  
Sky-Byte looked up. Aww man. Galvatron won't be pleased...  
He's never pleased. Scourge grumbled.  
  
We've got to stop him. Optimus stood up. Who do we have that can fly after it?  
I can! Recoil volunteered. Optimus looked around. Anyone else?  
*silence*  
Ok, never mind. He'll just have to get away.  
Recoil crossed her arms, and stomped off.  
  
Well, that wasn't too bad. Ray sighed as their ship cruised over the ocean. Looks likes the Dragons Pride was worth the investment.  
But I didn't get to finish my speech! Kazz-M cried.  
And I intend to make sure you never do. A sudden voice called over the com. Cryoteks face appeared on the main screen. Kazz-Ms eyes went wide.   
Oh, hello Cryo! Arc and Ray put on fake grins.  
I wondered where my ship had disappeared to. I should have put two and two together when you three disappeared over Charr. What took you so long to get here?   
Would you believe the ships slow? Kazz-M asked, hopefully.  
He busted to hyper drive. Ray added.  
Cryotek growled. You know, I paid a lot for that ship. I was not happy at all when it was stolen...  
Arc and Ray glanced at each other. It's his fault! They cried, pointing at Kazz-M.  
Oh is it now. Cryotek growled. Well, let me just say I don't like Quintisons. And I don't like traitors. And I REALLY don't like Quintison Traitors!  
A warning light blared on the ships main console.  
And I also hate boring speeches. Cryotek added. Bye now.  
Five seekers attack the pirate ship with guns blazing. Despite a somewhat valiant fight, all six of the main engines were hit  
Ramjet laughed as the Dragons Pride turned belly-up and went straight down into the sea.  
You know, I think a pirate would be glad to end up there. He grinned. Lets fly out!  
  
Optimus crossed his arms as he saw the ship fall. Well, it looks like that problem took care of itself.  
I wonder what he did to make Cryo so mad... Side Burn wondered.  
Who cares? X-Brawn asked. I'm just glad he's gone. No more boring speeches!  
Ok Autobots, roll out for home. Optimus ordered. Aidia scooped up Koji. Come on, I'll take you home. She said, transforming.  
Recoil smiled. Hey Chromia.  
  
Lookey what I have! She held up a very unhappy looking Sharkticon.  
Oh, how CUTE! Chromia sighed.   
I'll name him Sharky!  
Chromia sighed even deeper. I wanted one too!  
Forget it! Elita yelled back.  
Awww, Elita....  
  
Somewhere, deep in the pacific ocean, a ship sank deeper into the bottomless depths.  
Kazz-M muttered. I shall have my revenge! I'll destroy both Prime and Cryotek! I'll rip apart their gaskets and smash their servos and-  
I wish he'd shut up.  
I'll begin timing.  
Please do.  
And then, once their dead, I'll put them back together and KILL THEM AGAIN!  
Then, for no apparent reason, a large bar dropped from the ceiling and hit him on the head.  
Thank you. Arc sighed.  
Ray added.  
The ship sank deeper into the depths.  
  
**After note**: Gotta love them Quintisons. For reference, Kazz-M (pronounced, Chasm) is the Quintison suck-up that was saying Has the Imperial Magistrate reached a verdict in TF:TM. Arc is, of course, the five-headed kind. Ray is the kind seen in the episode Forever is a long time coming.  
  
This episode was absolutely pointless, and was just an excuse for bad humor, so if you didn't like it sorry. I'll try harder next time. Speaking of next time...  
  
NEXT EPISODE: TERRORWING! A Fairly Serious Episode! Surprisingly.  
  
New Stuff: Again, his one got an overwhelmingly positive response. What is it with you guys and stupid episodes?


End file.
